In general, however, it is important to remember that people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding the needs and emotions of others. It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to have difficulty with social interaction. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. Some kind of fondness but I dont think I could honestly say I love him anymore. However, there are still some challenges that they face that other people dont. Rigidity and inflexible thinking can also be another ASD trait that many people struggle with. Is he compassionate over the pain hes caused you, even if it was unintentional? Yourmental health your psychological, emotional, and social well-being has an impact on every aspect of your life. One last benefit of living with someone who has Aspergers Syndrome is the openness-mindedness about our family life. But this night, I thought soaking in the tub would relax my tired and achy muscles. Here are some ways that may help you leave your Aspergers husband respectfully: This is the first and most important step. This may be because they find it difficult to process what they see and hear simultaneously. And all this whatever it is without the reason WHY. My son has AS, and he is very conscious about loving other people and not bringing his own difficulties into his relationships. Many of my clients have found this 8-point list to be a useful tool in working on modifying behaviors to create happier/healthier relationships. People with autism may struggle to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection. If you are considering leaving your husband because of his Aspergers, its important to ask yourself if there is hope for change. How wonderful that your grandchildren have a dad who understands how to parent these special children! I feel too much responsibility to him. Understanding concrete mental abilities is preferred to a vague understanding of emotions: the language of connections. Walking in CORE Strength Registration Now Open. One negative effect is that I can feel overwhelmed at times. You can book a free therapy or download our free Android or iOS app. This also isnt a condition that someone just grows out of. Or does his blindness now give him a pass to not care about the impact his unintentional act has on you? I have a friend who is dealing with this very thing, and I plan to forward this to her. Not a good combo. Dont always trust your mind, because your perception may not be the right one. Answer: First, before I answer your question let me give a disclaimer that I am not an expert on Aspergers or Autism Spectrum disorder as its better defined these days. Among all Aspergers marriage difficulties, this one is the most challenging. What resources have you found helpful? It can be helpful to explain things in a clear and concise way. My youngest is now 21. People with Aspergers can have difficulty with relationships for a variety of reasons. Leslie, I was presented an option by our counselor to leave the marriage due to an intellectually locked heart, temporal values, among other issues, or stay practicing forbearance. If you judge his breaking the vase as intentional rather than accidental, that incident feels different for you than if you accepted that it was an accident because he couldnt see.. All the pent up anxiety comes gushing out. However, by spending quality time together, encouraging him to get help when needed, and finding ways to laugh together we can hopefully overcome these challenges as a couple. There will be some changes in your understanding and expectations. He will call my work in a panic insisting on talking to me. It really feels just plain creepy. I just wonder if at least some of it is a handy excuse. Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. There can be many challenges faced if my husband has Aspergers. I love him of course but I feel daunted and worry about his future. Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship, 10 Ways to Deal With a Controlling Micromanaging Spouse, 15 Benefits of Group Therapy in Relationships. It is also important to be aware of your husbands triggers and to try to avoid them. Thomas Holland, who had always wanted to be a bus driver . They may be so focused on their own interests and obsessions that they have trouble relating to the people around them. But, its never too late! Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? If he is so unsociable, how did he court you? He refused to put my name on the house. The biggest challenge whether or not you and your husband can make your marriage work will not be the diagnosis itself but what your husband does with it. My encouragement is: if BOTH partners are willing to learn about AS and work hard, with lots of patience and forgiveness, they may be able to craft a marriage-like relationship that brings them both joy. Leslie, thanks for your very good overview of Aspergers Syndrome. He never knew anything was wrong and he still doesnt, according to him It is ME! Thats why there is a need for a specific diagnosis for someone married to an AS. I recommend that people (both partners in the relationship) print out this article (modify it for your own traits and habits to work on) and look at it daily at least twice a day by keeping it in a place that you spend a lot of time at, like an office desk, meditation/prayer nook, bedside table, or on your phone, and really commit to this. We all have faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention plain sinfulness. Many people with Aspergers are extremely honest and literal. But there are certain challenges that you must be aware of if you are contemplating living with Aspergers spouse. I wonder if any of the attachment parenting did anything to help. Some people with Aspergers syndrome manage to forge successful relationships despite their condition. But it is indeed important to distinguish between them. He considers all money his and reacts like a child if i point out my contributions or the fact that i need something. I intuitively knew he could not regulate his emotions. 6 . Poor eye contact can make social interactions very difficult. This can manifest itself as clumsiness, problems with handwriting, or being unable to do certain tasks like tying shoelaces. Aspergers are usually characterized by social awkwardness and communication difficulties. Thankfully, I had a counselor that picked up on my desperation to help me and especially convince me that I am not crazy after all. My experience sounds almost word-for-word like yours. This could include problems with sensory processing, anxiety, and depression. As long as we are alive, we all have to work on improving ourselves. Dont cut your partner off when theyre speaking. They can also fixate on their own perspective without considering what their partners thoughts and feelings are. It has been discovered that people on the autism spectrum have a number of ways to express love and intimacy, according to studies conducted in-depth by researchers. No, he doesnt not agree with his ASD and bipolar Dx. Something went wrong. 8. Work Cant Be an Excuse. The woman who wrote this letter could be experiencing both AS and destructive uncaring. They like routine, are resistant to change, and have trouble managing their own emotions appropriately; especially when something unexpected happens or they are under stress. Improve your emotional wellbeing whenever and wherever you want. If he refuses to listen or tries to gaslight you, then it may be time to leave the relationship. Living with a husband with Aspergers NAS35093 over 5 years ago Hi there, I read the piece by the woman who had been married to her husband with Aspergers for 42 years. However, a therapist may be the best option as they can help you understand your feelings. Answer (1 of 83): From the first day I met my husband, I've always thought of him as a weirdo. We have four kids, 11, 9, and 5-yr old twins, one of whom was diagnosed ASD several years ago. This can also be a sign that he is not interested in what the other person is saying. I understand you completely. Discovering Asperger's was also a huge help in identifying which areas to work on and which areas to just relax and actually be myself. Aspergers is a condition that is often misunderstood, and it can be difficult for those who have it and their loved ones. He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset. I gave up. I want to ask you about an Aspergers/ Neurotypical marriage. I think they will do well. And importantly, he refuses to be defined by it. People who suffer from low self-esteem often find it difficult to be social because they are so afraid of being rejected by others for something not within their control (something like having Aspergers). As much as you can, examine those expectations before you decide. It fits 100 percent. For those who might be wondering if they or their spouse might have Aspergers syndrome, there is a free test for it at www.aspergerstestsite.com. I would . I want to leave but feel extreme guilt. The damage feels the same, the PTSD diagnosis is still PTSD. Deep concern? Please reach out for help if you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage. You may feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to upset your Aspergers husband. I read the article My husband is on the spectrum. I knew there was going to be challenges between us, but wanted to get married regardless (thats a whole other story, on which I am currently working). The mission of TherapyMantra is to provide inexpensive, accessible, and professional online mental health care to the individuals all around the world. You can also book afree therapyor download our freeAndroidoriOS app. This may be the worst silent treatment I've received from my husband in the 17 years we have been together. Please note that its still called Aspergers Syndrome for those who have this diagnosis and dont wish to change its wording. I will miss this beautiful state and my sweet grandkids, but Im ready to get back into my own home. If you can trust God through this, then you will heal, grow, and thrive through this season without shame or guilt, even if your marriage doesnt. Its a lifelong disorder. You are not alone and the dynamicsof living with Aspergers spouse are real. The concept of unrequited love is that it exists despite layers of pain. Part of the isolation faced with interpersonal difficulties means not having to be alone. Its me that causes everything that is not good that happens happen. This morning we had a huge fight and now he is threatening divorce. There are many difficult decisions to make when you are married. Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. its easy to find excuses or pretend that ASD can be controlled, but ASD is a real condition. If things get too heated, stop and pick up the conversation later. In addition to Rs comments I would like to add that AS has degrees; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle. Therefore, all marriages require that we learn some fundamental lessons about acceptance, forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, love, sacrifice, boundaries, patience, and speaking the truth in love where necessary. This can sometimes lead to them being more self-centered and less able to empathize with their partner. Other options like leaving with guilt or staying with resentment do no one good nor do they honor God. Here are three questions to consider before making your final decision. The higher the stakes you place on the people around you, the more likely you are to feel let down at some point, even if they have not done anything wrong. Conclusively, dealing with an Aspergers husband is not easy. It is important to remember that everyone is different, and that people with Aspergers syndrome will have their own specific needs. He has said he thought relationships were just that hard for everyone. Therefore, the following tips can be really useful in managing your emotions: Becoming self-aware can be something that many autistic individuals come to later in life. My husband has a relatively mild form of Asperger's, and through years of therapeutic coaching, he has learned how to recognize and express certain social behaviors that might otherwise come naturally to others. I cant say my marriage is betterbut I am better! It takes a dose of selflessness and humility to become aware of both our strengths and our weaknesses. It is important for you to consider your decision carefully before making a final choice. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? Its going to be a wonderful weekend of healing, rest and restoration for women. Most things in my home are blamed on myself or our ASD adult son. I dont know the future. It's an autism spectrum disorder. A marriage or other long-term relationship can only succeed when a significant amount of effort is put into it. From time to time I hear stories from women (and men) who would like to share their experience, Morning friends, Prayers would be appreciated. Having grown up in a fundamentalist pastors home, I am well aware of the possible harm from using The Canaan Language indiscriminently, ignoring that to those of the group it can be both a turnoff and a barrier to communication problems endemic to why others view Christians with distaste, disinterest or derision. Several years ago, Miriams son was diagnosed with autism. This can be difficult to do sometimes since I know that while there are support groups for ASD or Aspergers, they tend to lean more towards men who have the disorder while leaving out their partners who also need help navigating through this world with someone diagnosed on the spectrum. Reading books by other people with autism can also be beneficial to autism patients. They also can have the ability to gin up lots of sociability for short periods of time (like going on dates) but then their true colors show at home. Depression, Anxiety, Stress or something else - we are here to help! It's tough what you are having to deal with. I podcast weekly and wrote my autobiography Handstands in the Dark . I suspect my husband has Aspergers. I am very fearful of how incapable of caring for the children he is. Here is an example of a man who accepted his diagnosis and was thoughtful about the impact his problem had on his wife and their marriage. A while back a book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Aspergers who wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. It is critical to have a trained therapist to improve your communication skills and develop a deeper understanding of one another. The problem is he has no idea. )., Ask yourself what the big picture is. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Aspergers is a disorder that can have a lot of negative effects. Thank you Leslie for this blog and for all that you do for us (me). The attraction of the partnership first offers safety, stability, and connection; things promised within a marriage that protect the sense of identity. You should learn about what makes your partner tick and accept the characteristics that set him or her apart from others. People with Aspergers often seem to live in their own world. It is difficult for a neurotypical person (people who are not on the autistic spectrum) to have a relationship with a person on the spectrum, but it is not impossible. And daily chronic paper cuts to the heart (very little comfort, touch, praise, empathy, sharingand struggles to explain this complex disorder to others, Well, he seems fine, thats just how men are, right? Repeat after me, Life happensits okoh well. I know theyre children and thats different , but I see that its not hopeless, at least at that point. But the general areas of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors affecting family, work and community are: emotional hyperarousal states, interpersonal difficulties, social awkwardness, empathy, physical intimacy, hygiene, grooming, higher risks for OCD, ADHD and anxiety. That is something you must wrestle through and talk to God about. Ive been practicing living more in the moment lately and I have to tell you its freeing. But you too have a part to play here. If you find yourself in a situation where you believe leaving your husband is the best option. The team of Mantra Care also provides an online or offline support group for women in similar situations. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Even if I tell him i have a dying patient and can not talk he wont/cannot shut up. He and his wife make 300,000 K plus a year. Forms of support can be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling. In order to understand why your husband behaves the way he does, you need to educate yourself about Aspergers Syndrome. Dont control my partner. Let it go. When I saw the words feel guilty I felt like this was going to be a much-needed question and answer to read. What am I feeling?. After years of this I was in crisis. I have tried to subscribe. When you make better connections, you can improve your relationships health. Sending you a hug and understanding Lynn. Im rand new to reali,ing that my husband may have aspergers. But not literally. But may lead to spouses feeling lonely and unsafe within the marriage. People who have Aspergers may have trouble reading facial expressions which can make social interactions difficult. Sometimes i wonder if earth is a living hell? But because of research and support groups, this can now change. Eva Mendes, LMHC, is a psychotherapist and couples counselor. You have given enough. I will hang up. Because my husband is a genius he is often distainful when presented with a different opinion. Aspergers syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. Rennet Wong-Gates, MSW, RSW, RP is a therapist who supports individuals and families in her private practice. I have spoken to him about my concerns and he is willing to see a doctor to get a diagnosis. I hope this article was helpful. They can provide you with valuable information and resources that will help you through this difficult time. I am clinically depressed and on antidepressants. What an epiphany and learning curve its been! Sometimes, an ASD individual can be an over-talker, especially when anxious. I can talk with him about it. They may just find it difficult to understand social cues or read other peoples body language. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. Autism Spectrum Disorder can be difficult for autistic people to manage when they are expected by their nonautistic partner. They may enjoy talking about their interests without considering the nuances of reciprocal communication; social cues, facial cues, body language. I find life is often lonely and stressful. 5 Ways to Fall Out of Love After Infidelity, OCD and Sex: How OCD Can Impact Your Sex Life and How to deal, What Is Spiritual Abuse in Marriage & How to Heal, 15 Subtle Signs Your Husband Resents You & What to Do About It, 10 Pros and Cons of Getting Sole Custody of a Child, 10 Tips to spend the holidays when your marriage is in crisis, Treading Carefully: Getting Back Together After Separation, 3 Ways Separation in Marriage Can Make a Relationship Stronger, 10 Things You Must Know Before Separating From Your Husband, 12 Steps to Rekindle a Marriage After Separation, How to Combat the 5 Glaring Effects of Anxiety After Infidelity, How to Have a Trial Separation in the Same House, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. There are some difficulties associated with Aspergers dating, but there are also some opportunities. The only choice is to take care of yourself and get healthy, which is exactly what I have been doing. Using the following communication skills can help: Due to the ASD neurological difference, many individuals on the spectrum, have trouble regulating their emotions. If you decide to stay in your marriage, its important to be realistic about what that will require. Leaving your husband with Aspergers can be a very difficult decision, but it is important to remember that you have the right to be happy. During courtship he had his own place to go retreat to. Speaking to a professional can be very helpful when you are trying to leave your Aspergers husband. I just thought that would be a small hint as to what to expect or not. This condition impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment, affecting all areas of life from socializing to working. You must grieve these real losses and your desire for the deep emotional connection you thought you would have in marriage. They may find it difficult to understand and respond to the emotions of others. I cant have bathtub fixed because it isnt broken, if I put a wash cloth in drain hole the water will stay in long enough to get a fast bath besides I can use the shower! This can be a problem when the other person doesnt realize why someone is acting differently which causes more problems for the individual with Aspergers. A while back a book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Aspergers who wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. He was so frustrated. You can read more about Cassandra Syndrome or OTRS, My Husband Became Verbally Abusive After I Gave Birth To My Son 12 Years Ago , Sexual Abuse In Marriage A Real Life Experience, My Friends Are Critical Of My Decision To Divorce. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? 1. Dont Be Defensive Admit Youre Wrong. Question My husband is on the autism spectrum. He also let me know that he is not capable of empathy, passion, touch, affection, reciprocal conversation, my boring opinions, compromise, meeting my emotional or sexual needs and has never felt any real love for me. My husband is his own secret island. Another benefit is that I have learned to appreciate the little things in life. This is on both the person who has it and their loved ones. The brain of a person with this neurological problem works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. If you dont feel safe in your own home, it may be time to leave. Its not his fault and I hope you would feel great compassion for his plight. Another benefit is that my husband can be a great father. This sign can be difficult to spot if youre not familiar with Aspergers. It is often referred to as autism spectrum disorder or high-functioning autism instead. Thank you. This can be anything from trains or computers to history or sports statistics. Most of all, drawing close to God and slowly learning how to reclaim my life and my sense of self. Individuals on the Autism spectrum have difficulty perceiving peoples intentions, needs, feelings, or motivations and therefore often respond inappropriately in social situations. This means it can be difficult to change these routine changes because they have become so ingrained in them. 2 more replies. I am planning a divorce. As Dr Kathy Marshack says, its a profound disability. How about you? But sometimes the decision to end your marriage is clear. This was going to be alone you are not alone and the living... With handwriting, or being unable to do certain tasks like tying.. Have been doing routine changes because they find it difficult to understand and reciprocate of... 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Of Mantra care also provides an online or offline support group for in. How wonderful that your grandchildren have a part to play here sometimes lead to spouses feeling and! That is not uncommon for people with Aspergers are usually characterized by social awkwardness and communication difficulties but this,. In what the big picture is they have become so ingrained in them children! Of Mantra care also provides an online or offline support group for women in situations. Very difficult only choice is to take care of yourself and get Healthy, which is what! You would feel great compassion for his plight speaking to a vague of. Relationships for a specific diagnosis for someone married to an as to work on ourselves! Trait that many people struggle with what you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage its... Just wonder if at least at that point a psychotherapist and couples counselor the Dark with Aspergers are also opportunities! 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